Hey. Today I’m gonna write about me, like last post. Unlike last post, things aren’t great right now. It’s 12:30am the night of a work day, so I’m going to write a bunch, push this to the repo then go the fuck to sleep.
Lately I’ve been doing pretty badly. My mental state is shot. A combination of three factors has led to this state:
- I met an online friend in meatspace, which was confronting for unrelated reasons
- I broke off contact with a person who has treated me poorly for a few months
- I started working for a client in a capacity that is extremely draining
I’m going to talk about each of these individually, since that seems like a good way of healing what damage has been done.
1. Saturday Night Chaos
This is a long story, I’m not going to do it justice in this state. The long and short is that I met up with a friend for the first time, and went to a gay bar with them and a bunch of their friends (and friends of friends - this distinction is important). There were a bunch of people, I’m going to make a quick list of characters:
- Kara: me
- C: my friend
- S: my friend’s partner
- M: potential date-friend of S
- A and L: friends of C and S
- T: dickhead guy friend of S, the only guy in this story
If I focus too much on details I’m going to get bogged down in them, so I’ll be brief. The plan was:
- meet at S’s house
- get dressed then go to the bar for the evening
- everyone but T would come back to S’s and sleep over
All of this happened. The actual bar time was good in parts, but I’m not a dancer, I absolutely do not do karaoke (and made this clear to C beforehand), and the environment was a bit too clubby for me to be comfortable. I mostly just sat, drank a little and co-occupied the spaces the group was existing in. I had a mood crash towards the end of the evening, in relation to feeling super out of place and worthless.
C was super good about all of this, she was just kind of exceptional the whole time. I have a huge amount of respect for her as a person, and also like her a bunch because she’s my kind of person, give or take a couple of wavelength differences.
What happened in addition, that was not on the plan, was some conflicty stuff (not my place to discuss) between C, S and M. It ended up that all of us (including T, who was high off his fucking face) came back to S’s place at around 3am. While C, S and M had a long discussion in one of the other rooms, the rest of us (myself, A, L and T) were just idly sitting in the common area of the house. T was being a drugged-up fuck and I was doing my best to do damage control in the face of his restless antics; thanks to paying attention and being a voice of reason, nothing went wrong, though I absolutely do not ever want to be in a position of defaulted responsibility over a grown-ass man ever again.
Eventually I decided to make up a bed with some mattresses that had been provided, given that the long conversation was still going. Before I could sleep, the conversation finished up, everyone seemed fine. It was offered to me to sleep in a proper bed. I accepted, went to sleep, all was fine. C came in to keep me company, we both got a few hours of sleep, we did some platonic cuddling after we woke up, it was nice.
(I have some complex thoughts about that, mostly to do with my own state of affection deprivation, but that’s not going to be explored in this post.)
C had to run off to a family thing pretty quickly, so we had a brief breakfast thing, then she left. I was left with the rest of the group, which, without C as my anchor, rapidly became the sort of environment I did not want to be in (due to my own discomfort). I made some excuses after waiting for a while, then made my own way home.
Then I fucking crashed for like a day and a half. I couldn’t work on the Monday, the whole experience was just so overwhelming in so many ways I’d not expected. The bar environment shook me; I got spoken to by two separate men while I was resting in a billiards room. One was very polite and left me alone when I mentioned I just wanted to have some time to myself, but the other? The other was a fucking prick. He used his body to obstruct the only exit to the room I wanted to leave, then held up his hand for a high-five after I had previously ignored his attempts to start a conversation. I looked away as I walked past him, not high-fiving, and he started getting aggressive as I walked off.
Fuck toxic masculinity.
Let me say that again for those who don’t get it.
FUCK toxic masculinity.
Aside from Men™, the scene was just loud, overwhelming sense-wise. The group I was with was far more comfortable with this, so I felt really out of place. None of them really did anything wrong at that point, it was just very much a Kara’s Out Of Her Depth moment. Recentring myself during my subsequent day and a half of rest was challenging.
I hope I explained this properly. I hope it’s evident why this was a factor in my current emotional state being fucky.
It’s now 1am, so I’ll go faster for these next two.
2. Fuckin’ V
For those that are close to me, you likely already know who this is about. For those that don’t, I made a ladyfriend a while back (“V” for the purposes of this tale), who I shared a mutual crush with, and then everything went about as badly as it could’ve gone. She treated me like shit for months. She fucked me around re: expectations and how much energy she was willing to put into our friendship. After a particularly egregious example of her misbehaviour, I cut all ties with her, much to the applause of every single person in my life I’d mentioned her to. (Yes, all of them were like “THIS GIRL IS A RED FLAG FACTORY”, and yet Past Kara was like “eh, what could PAWSIBLY go wrong???” Dumb idiot girl that she is. Past Kara, I mean.)
Recently V was hospitalised for some mental health stuff. (As an aside, fuck mental health stigma.) She reached out to me at one point, and against all of my better judgement, I agreed to go visit her. It was really nice, it was nice to see her. My stupid dumb heart was like “hey look, you still care about this human”, and I was very much displeased by my heart’s decision here. We hung out twice more, I think, and both times were good.
Then she got discharged, and immediately reverted to her shitty, manipulative behaviour. She cancelled a meet we’d had planned, so I gave her the “well, if you want to see me again, you’ll make it happen, I guess.”
No response. It’s been over a week. I’m not losing sleep over it.
What I am losing sleep over, aside from my woeful blog posting schedule (which could be rationalised but I don’t owe ANYONE an explanation, aside from Future Kara, who is a biatch)… is the fact that she is one of two people, IN TOTAL, that have been interested in dating me since coming out as trans. I haven’t exactly been a hermit this whole time; there were ample opportunities for literally anyone to be all “hey kara, ur hot, let’s date or something”. That did not happen. A more cynical Kara would have something pithy to say here, but quite frankly, 1am Kara is just… disappointed.
Of course the only two people that want me are my current wonderful girlfriend in Chicago, and V. Fuckin’ V.
I hope I never see V ever again.
I also hope more people, better people, see value in me, in the future. This story is mostly about how V is an actual cow, but it’s also partially about how my lack of self-esteem, as shaped by a general lack of interest from people in contact with me, has really fucked with how I relate to such concepts as “affection”, “closeness”, “love” and “desire”.
Imagine a spaceship getting hit by a micrometeorite. Fragmets of space metal go flying away from the clean hole punched through this ship; a hunk of spaceship components rendered into useless mechanical detritus.
That’s my “Kara Relates To Affection” Drive. The drive is fucked. The state of matters is fucked. But I am not fucked. Not in any of the ways I want, anyway.
3. The Chains of Capitalism
Work work work. What’s there to say about work?
My new role is small, in a small team, but because the team is small, and the client is large, the work is significant. It’s difficult to explain the breadth of this work without going into detail, and I will not be going into detail, but this is easily, EASILY, the largest organisation I’ve done work for.
(The company that I belong to, the one that sends me out to clients as a consultant, is technically much larger, but they’re not big here in Australia. The client company though… fuck me, it’s actually huge.)
It’s a bit of a different culture. I’m still finding my feet. People like me, but the day-to-day energy cost of this job is just soooo damn high. I don’t know if I can handle it.
I go home tired every single day.
I don’t want to be this tired every single day.
It’s approaching 1:30am. Why am I like this.
Um. I guess if you read this far, you’re probably keen to hear some sort of point to all of this. I suppose the point is:
I, Kara Valentine, am not doing so well at this… “living” thing, right now.
I don’t really have any other way of putting it. I’m struggling. It’s not the kind of struggle where OUR PROTAGONIST’S LIFE HANGS IN THE BALANCE!
No. It’s more like… I’m feeling the weight of existence on my shoulders. Every single day. My heart is heavy, I cry a lot these days. My emotional fortifications are trivially weak. I’ve cried multiple times at this new job. Nobody’s noticed yet, thankfully, but yeah, I am not doing so well!!!
Sadly it’s not in any easily digestible fashion; it’s very difficult to say something like “hey, I’m sad as fuck about myself and my existence” and have anyone take you seriously in the same way that they would if you said “hey, I broke my leg”.
Physically I don’t have a lot of support. All of my family and most of my friends are distant. For those that made their way here from Facebook, you folks are as varied as you are distant. I appreciate your existence but there’s a huge gulf between being Zucc-approved companions, and being tangibly relevant to someone’s real-world manifestation.
Sorry. That’s kind of a rude thing to say, even if it is true.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with me in the short-term future. I don’t know if I’m going to be okay. My girlfriend is real supportive, but she’s kind of the only one that’s in the loop.
I’m also not sure what my ideal goal with this post is? I mostly just wanted to type out a bunch of Feelings™ and see if it helped.
I think it did.
I’m going to stop typing now. Thanks for reading. Say hi or something if you feel like it.