The following is a chat session that never happened.
Session begin. 2 users present: One, Two
[One] Why are you living your life like it’s already over?
[Two] it just feels like the places i once loved no longer appeal to me
[Two] like the world’s lost a bit of its charm, i guess
[Two] the fact that i’d even say that scares me a lot
[One] There’s tons out there you haven’t seen.
[One] Do you still want to see it?
[Two] i don’t know anymore
[Two] part of me yearns for the beauty of distant lands
[Two] of houses along the beach
[Two] of the gentle embrace of seaglass as light flows through it in the morning
[Two] but i just don’t see how i could ever pursue anything like that
[Two] my dreams and aspirations are so far removed from reality
[Two] even the notion of pursuing them feels like a sick joke
[One] You don’t know what the future holds for you.
[One] There’s a chance you’ll change, and grow, and attain those things you want now.
[One] If you give up now, there isn’t a chance.
[One] If you hold out, have hope, you’re at least on your way.
[One] Maybe you won’t get there. Maybe you will. Surely it’d be worth it to see what happens?
[Two] i think you reasoning is faulty here
[Two] the difference between one percent and zero percent is small
[Two] one’s impossible, but both are extremely unlikely
[Two] i don’t want to live a life that amounts to placing hopes on a one percent chance
[One] You might find other things to enjoy along the way.
[One] Even if this particular thing is a one percent, the trick is to have multiple things.
[One] Multiple small chances add up. You might find lots of things to care about!
[Two] i guess
[Two] i just hate that there’s no real option for me to say no to this
[Two] even if i’d want it, i couldn’t just stop living
[Two] so like… there’s no other option. all i have is this stupid tired pursuit
[Two] and i AM tired. living’s hard. finding reasons to keep going is hard.
[Two] i feel like a lot of people don’t get that. lucky them
[One] It doesn’t have to be hard forever.
[Two] people have been telling me that for a long time
[Two] i think friendly advice can miss the mark a lot when it’s too focused on what worked for others
[Two] like, i’m not stupid
[Two] i’d like to think i’m the opposite of stupid
[Two] and yet i just keep running into shit that i can’t overcome
[Two] things that should be incredibly simple
[Two] like taking care of myself or caring about my long-term survival
[One] Those things can be hard, like you said. Everyone has their struggles.
[One] Yours are valid too, just like everyone else’s.
[One] Maybe yours are just… harder for you. Maybe easier for others, but not for you.
[One] And that’s okay, right?
[Two] it would be a lot more okay if it didn’t mean i woke up without a purpose every morning
[Two] the really stupid thing is that i’ve told myself i’ve had goals for years now
[Two] but… these last few years, those words have lost just a little bit of their flame
[Two] it’s felt like instead of agreeing with myself, i’m trying to convince myself
[Two] and the longer i’ve gone on like this… the less i’m buying the argument
[Two] it’s hard to convince yourself when you know all the ways to shut down your own arguments
[One] It seems like you’ve made up your mind about all of this.
[One] Maybe that’s why your “arguments” aren’t being received.
[One] Maybe your mind’s just closed off to the thought of things being any different than how they are.
[Two] that’s a really apt way of putting it
[Two] but i arrived here for a reason.
[Two] things led me here. i didn’t magically stop having hope one day, life happened to me
[Two] and that’s the scariest part of all of this.
[Two] the fact that none of this is… anything other than “normal”
[Two] nothing went “wrong”, nothing is “broken”… this is just how my story goes
[One] That’s true… so far.
[One] But you don’t know how the story ends yet.
[One] You said yourself you’re powerless to close the book right now.
[One] And it strikes me as a fact about you that will remain true forever.
[One] So… what remains? All you can do is keep going, right?
[Two] as much as i wish i had an out, i don’t
[Two] the only thing left to decide on is how much i care about the rest
[Two] and how much i run away
[One] It’s not really in your nature to run, is it?
[Two] um, in some ways it is
[Two] “discretion is the better part of valour” and all
[Two] when things aren’t working, and i identify it fast enough, often i’ll just leave
[Two] or quit or stop or whatever
[Two] other times, when i’m invested or inflamed, i’ll fight
[Two] when i stop fighting, and i’m still dissatisfied, that’s when i’ll run, usually
[Two] also when i get quiet
[One] Yeah. You talk a lot when you’re happy, and you don’t when you’re sad.
[Two] again, kinda
[Two] when the sads are energy-powered, there’s a lot of words
[Two] that’s just passion i guess, nothing special about mine
[Two] so like… talking-sad is one level
[Two] quiet, distant sad is another
[Two] i don’t usually get to quiet sad
[Two] but lately it’s been a lot more… “around”?
[Two] like the sads are a pile of blankets
[Two] and the top layer is talkative sads
[Two] but sometimes i see signs of quiet sads beneath that layer
[One] Are you worried about this?
[Two] i guess i am
[Two] but at the same time i have so little energy for caring about whether it changes
[Two] maybe this is just what i am
[One] I think there’s a lot more to you than what’s happening to you lately.
[Two] my heart says no, but my mind says yes
[Two] this is just stupid angst
[Two] but also it might be persistent stupid angst
[Two] hey, on a different note, do you find that music influences your mood?
[One] Sometimes! It does for you too?
[Two] yeah, it’s hella strong for me
[Two] the right track at the right time can hit me like a car crash
[Two] totally jilting my mood or whatever
[Two] but sometimes that’s a good thing
[Two] i can hijack how i’m feeling sometimes, amplify my emotions to get them all out
[Two] or stabilise myself if that’s what i need at the time
[One] Sounds useful. Also potentially dangerous.
[Two] yeah, i’ve always wondered if maybe the music i happen to listen to at a given time
[Two] if maybe that music was predestined or something
[Two] like grand fate speculations but specifically about music
[Two] or like
[Two] if there’s some THING that chooses the music i shuffle to
[Two] or even at a baser level than that, chooses the music i WANT to listen to
[Two] wouldn’t that be freaky? some weird alien ghost thing just hijacking my emotions
[One] It’s interesting to think about, for sure.
[One] You wouldn’t know, would you?
[Two] which, arguably, means it doesn’t matter if there is or isn’t a weird music ghost
[Two] but what if there IS
[One] Haha, I’m sure you’d have plenty of questions for it if it did.
[Two] shit, yes
[Two] good point
[Two] “why you gotta make me like soundclown shit”
[Two] “what is it you like about these six songs you make me listen to on repeat”
[One] It makes a lot more sense if you rationalise it as an unusual, external entity.
[One] But, consider this - what if YOU were the weird space ghost all along?
[Two] i need to
[Two] go away and think about this
[Two] and other things
[Two] THANK U FOR LISTENING to my weird shit
[Two] ur a good… friend? what are you anyway
One has disconnected.
[Two] oh shit
[Two] surely i wouldn’t have TWO weird space ghosts possessing me
[Two] would i
Two has disconnected.